Tales from the Shoebox.

I had yet another revelation this morning.  I’m reading Unconditional Parenting & on page 18 Kohn says “Social psychologists have noticed that there are indeed some people with whom we have what might be called an exchange relationship: I do something for you only if you do something for me (or give something to me).  But they quickly add that this is not true, nor would we wnat it to be true, of all our relationships, some of which are based on caring rather than reciprocity.  In fact, one study found that people who see their relationships with their spouses in terms of exchange, taking care to get as much as they give, tend to have marriages that are less satisfying [than people who have marriages based on care].” 

Therein lies the heart of the matter: Llamaface is upset because he works outside the home and I do not, and therefore he sees our exchange as inequitable; he doesn’t see me working in the home as equal to what he does outside the home.  I get angry because I’m doing everything around the house and I’m tired so I don’t want to have sex, he gets angry because he’s not having sex so he doesn’t do anything around the house, and the cycle continues.  The only way we’re going to get anything accomplished is if we stop seeing it as “I work out of the house and you work in the house and that balances out…I go grocery shopping so you put the groceries away and that balances out…I clean the toilets and you scoop the catbox and that balances out” and start seeing it as “we both live here and we both love each other and this marriage is about both of us together, not what one does for the other and vice-versa.”

I think tonight will be “major talk” night, because combined with revelation one (doing everything I can, trying too hard, is counter-productive) and revelation two (his happiness is not my responsibility), I think this could be a major breakthrough for us.  Of course, it could all backfire and he could be completely unwilling to work on this and I’ll wind up living with my mother until I get a job as a secretary somewhere, but at least I know where to go from here.  I know what to talk about and what to say to get my point across and what examples to use.  I’m excited, as odd as that sounds.  And if it doesn’t work out, I know what went wrong and how to start over.  Not that I want to start over.  God I don’t want to start over.  Dating?  With a baby?  Living in my mom’s house?  Jesus fuck, I’d rather work on the marriage, as hard as it’s going to be, than have to do all that.  Seriously.

In lighter stuff, I stole a meme from Gena
If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
Open your media player & hit random.  No skipping songs!

Opening Credits: Macy Gray – Sexual Revolution
Waking Up: Christina Aguilera – Make Over
First Day At School: Bif Naked – The Peacock Song
Falling In Love: Christina Aguilera – Soar
Fight Song: Shawn Mullins – The Dream
Breaking Up: Lillix – Tomorrow
Prom: Everything – Who Got the Hooch
Life’s Ok: Tiffany – I Think We’re Alone Now
Mental Breakdown: Everclear – Your Genius Hands
Driving: Dexy’s Midnight Runners – Come on, Eileen
Getting Back Together: Jewel – 2 become 1
Wedding: Beatles – Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Birth of Child: Zero 7 – In the Waiting Line
Final Battle: Everclear – Annabella’s Song
Death Scene: Pink – Don’t Let Me Get Me
Funeral Song: Rob Zombie – Living Dead Girl No I’m not kidding, that’s what iTunes gave me.
End Credits: Beatles – Love Me Do

A fun little timewaster.

Oh, and from last night’s costume party, wherein I as Debbie Gibson/the 80s/Tiffany partied it up with Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, John McEnroe, Jackie Onassis, Mother Nature, Global Warming, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Bob Marley, and others:

mmmm oreos!

laughing & dancing with Captain America

Muchas Gracias to Sam/Bob Marley for the photos